Brandon Tyler Beshada

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize
someone important is missing from all the important events in your
family's life.

Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for
Birthdays, X-mas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July
4th.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting
up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through
anything anymore.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why
didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving the accident continuously through your eyes and
mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to
have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every boy who looks like he is my sons age. And
then thinking of the age he'd would be now. Then wondering why it is
even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with
sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were
an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in
someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has
become a part of your "normal."

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to
honor your childs's memory and their birthdays and survive these
days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the
occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something
special he would have loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how
he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son. Normal is
making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their
lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the
grieving gets worse, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to
this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.

NOTHING.

Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from
you - it doesn't compare.

Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is
unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because you
know your mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone but someone
stricken with grief over the loss of their child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with
chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for G-d.
"G-d may have done this because…"

I would like to believe that my son is in "heaven," but hearing
people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young man
was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no
sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the
house, did the laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have
two children or one child, because you will never see this person
again and it is not worth explaining that my son is dead.
And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you
feel horrible as if you have betrayed the dead child.

Normal is asking G-d why he took your child's life instead of yours
and asking if there even is a G-d.

Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day
nor a million years.

Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will
never "really" get over the pain and that there is nothing they can
do to help you because they know only bringing back your child back
from the dead could possibly make it "better."

Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you
are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry.
You've learned it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the
truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get
any better -- ever.

And last of all...

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to
feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."

Imagine..... .....

A cannon ball shot through your heart, or stomach

yet you live and breathe still
you FEEL the empty hole the cannon ball has left
you feel the weight of it inside, as if it will
suffocate you
you feel the intense pain of this great wound
yet your eyes see no hole there, no blood, no torn
flesh

Imagine..... ......... ...
you have lost all feeling
all will to live
all of your purpose in life
the ability to laugh
smile
sleep
self control
you are numb inside
you are afraid of nothing
you are afraid of everything
If you do smile
you feel guilty because your child can not
If you get any degree of enjoyment out of anything
you feel guilty because your child can not

 

Imagine..... ......
you forget everything
to pay bills
what day it is
what week or month it is
to keep appointments
to care for your home
to care for your car
to care for your pets
to care for your loved ones
to care for yourself    
you forget where you put things and search endlessly
 The one thing you can’t forget is that your child is dead

Imagine..... .......
every memory haunts you

even the good ones
they flood your mind all at once
fearing they will be lost
Imagine..... ......... ..
days without sleep
sleeping for days

just being in a limbo haze
nightmares that invade your only escape
seeing your child alive and well in a dream
knowing he is really dead
and waking up wondering if their death was
really just a
nightmare

Imagine..... ........
your child being murdered
not knowing what really happened
but envisioning the scene
as if you were there
like a movie it plays in your head
over and over
he is dead
no pause or stop button to shut it off
it begins and ends on a random reel
no matter your mood or where you are
it comes to haunt you when you least expect

Imagine..... .........
you loose all focus
you make mistakes on things you know how to do
you forget how to do things you used to know how to do
you read, but don’t know what you’ve read
you watch tv, but sit and absorb nothing
your talking about something and lose what you were
trying to say
you use the wrong words or mispronounce words
you have difficulty talking and making sense
you repeat yourself
 
Imagine..... ......... ..
your Faith in God crumbles to the ground
you even wonder if there is a God
you feel betrayed by him
you feel forsaken

sometimes you hate him, you scream at him and damn
him for not saving your child
sometimes you beg him and plead with him to bring
your child back
you’d give anything for one more day
but you know one more day still wouldn’t be enough
you want to have faith, but it’s so damn hard to
you just don’t know what to believe

Imagine..... ......... .......
 
Time...
if your child died on a Tuesday, you will hurt extra
bad every Tuesday
if your child died on the 20th of the month, every
20th of every month will hurt extra bad
three days have passed and you don’t even notice
three weeks have passed but it only feels like one
week has passed

Three months have passed but it only feels like one
month has passed
         
Imagine..... ......... .
time feeling like it’s moving at warp speed
Yet each day creeps by while you just want to die
you hope what they say is true, that you will
reunite with your child when you are through
 
Imagine ............ .....
Waking up every morning with your first thought
automatically being “My child is dead”
 
Imagine..... .....
Wanting so desperately to be left alone
you don't want to see to anyone
you don't want to hear anyone

the sun coming up each morning reminds you it’s
another day of torture
your afraid to hold on, yet afraid to let go
 Yet at the same time you don’t want to be alone
 
Imagine..... .........
no one understands you
YOU don’t even understand you
you don’t trust the world
the legal system
your neighbors
strangers
God

The worst has happened
Your child is dead
Never coming back
The reality replays over and over in your mind
Your child is dead
Never coming back
Your child is dead
Never coming back
Your child is dead
Never coming back

Imagine..... .........
it’s been over 5 years since your child was alive
the numbness wears off
the full realization of what has happened sinks in
your child is never coming through that door again
your child will never call you on the phone again
you will never hear his voice again
his laughter
see his smile
see his bright eyes
feel his touch
feel his warm loving hugs
smell him
 
Imagine..... ......... ...
can you imagine ??

JOSH GROBAN LYRICS

"To Where You Are"

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are